Monday, December 21, 2009

Egg Sucking Hound

when ever I am feeling overwhelmed or upset I know that I can always turn to a certain friend for comfort, companionship, and at times even a shoulder to cry on. Yes, my dog isn't the best conversationalist but he is an excellent listener. Honestly I cant even look at him most of the time with out smiling.

My Dog is a peculiar animal. He has all sorts of silly little habits. Like some times when I take him outside he will find a particularly smelly spot in the grass (usually a garter snake that made friends with the lawn mower) and beginning with his face he will slide his entire body length wise threw what ever it is that he found. Then he will role on to his back and squirm around in it while kicking his legs. I am always amazed by It. It looks like the most fun thing in the world to do. I know he has a blast rolling in stink or else he wouldn't do it so often. Secretly I want to try it but I never do. what if the neighbor saw me? He already avoids making eye contact. If he looked out his window early one Saturday morning and saw the dog and I legs up in the air tongue's dangling rolling vigorously side by side on a dead garter snake what would he think then? He would probably call the damn cops and have me committed, then spread wild rumors around the neighbor hood claiming that I was sacrificing snakes in some strange rituals.

Yeah its just not a good idea. what works for the dog doesn't always work for me. To bad.

He has an amazing sense of smell. This isn't always a good thing. A friend of mine had his bachelor party at a strip club. When I got home my dog attacked me sniffing me up and down as if he had never smelled me before. I am sure i stunk like whiskey and stripper perfume.

why is it that all strippers smell the same? you could be in a club in Mexico and the girls would smell the same as they do in New York. It is always the same perfume and they all bathe in it. they must order it special. Its called Essence De La Skank..............Its french.

Strippers are so entertaining on so many levels. Its like they were all cut from the same cloth. I mean come on "she is just a girl making her way through collage" right. Yeah right sweet heart, you've got grad student written all over you. Or at least in that tattoo on your lower back.

Friday, December 18, 2009

My ego

I have heard some people say that all bloggers are self centered and self absorbed. It seams that many people blog only to feed their own ridiculous egos. well that's not me in case you were wondering I am not self serving or self centered and I don't have a big ego to protect. actually I am quite modest.
That being said I would like to go on and talk a little bit about my self. I am what some would call the bees knees. I am way smarter than most people and you might even call me kind of a big deal. yup, I am pretty much the shit...........so. Just thought you degenerates would like to know how cool I am. In fact I am so smart and so charismatic that I could probably have my own cult and have beautiful women worship me as a god. Instead I choose to keep my mundane construction job, just so I can write this blog for the two people who read it.
I really hope that someone gets that joke other wise I will just look like a D-bag.LOL


On my way home today I grew tired of the radio. so as not to get to bored (or sleepy) on my commute I switched the tuner to random search. All of the sudden I stumbled across something horrifying. A twanging country music song floated from the radio and came pouring out of my speakers like a rancid cloud of nerve gas drifting through the barbed wire of a Nazi concentration camp. the song title was white liar preformed by Miranda Lambert. as I listened I sneered and felt sick to my stomach. "whom ever wrote this is a talent less hack and should be hunted down like a rabid dog" I thought to my self.
I had to look this song up on YouTube so that I could write about how horrid contemporary country music is. and as I listened to it the second time the heebie jeebies crept up my bones and shook me at my very core. for those of you who are not familiar here is a quote from that song. (truth comes out a little at a time. And i spreads just like a fire. slips off your tongue like turpentine. and i don't know why white liar.)
please just think about that for a moment. are you done trying yet. the first time I read it I thought I was reading it wrong. but no. I thought really hard about it then I went cross eyed.
the reason that I went cross eyed was because it makes no seance at all. First of all most people that aren't retarded tend to try to keep turpentine away from their mouths. don't they? I know that I do. the thing that really makes me mad about record labels ruining country music is that these no talent writers and the people that they hire to sing the songs on stage are representing small town, and country people on the national stage. And then you wonder why people from the city think that people from the country are mindless hicks.
All I have left to say is that I would rather drink turpentine than hear any more of this garbage on the radio. and shame on those of you that listen to it. In the words Of Hank William's grand son. "some say that I am ill mannered, some say that i will self destruct, but If you knew what I am thinking you'll know that pop country really sucks!"

Thursday, December 17, 2009

pot stench

Rapper Lil Wayne has sold millions of records. he can write a platinum album and he can preform in front of thousands of fans at any given time. the one thing he cant do according to his realtor is get rid of the overwhelming stench of pot that has soaked in to every nook and crevice of his Miami apartment. the smell is so powerful that when ever any one is interested in touring the home the sales persons first question will be and i quote " dose the stench of marijuana offend you?". apparently the condo smells like the inside of a bong even when their is no one home. dose any one know how much pot you would have to smoke to get that smell to linger for days? and this isn't like you can just run a rug doctor around and get rid of it. it sounds like the gonge stink is so bad that potential buyers are shying away from it even tho it is reasonably priced at around 500 g. A reasonably priced luxury app. in Miami that is also a celebrity listing wont sell because it stinks worse than Jerry Garcia's casket. that is ridiculous. first of all the people touring it say that the house is incredibly clean, and very very appealing. so that stench must be incredible. just think of what the inside of that guys lungs must look like. potential buyers are having contractors come in the home and give estimates on how much it will cost to scrape the chronic residue off the walls and Lil Wayne doesn't even care. Its like a meat locker or butchers shop. no matter how hard you scrub or how many times a day you power wash the equipment and walls your not getting that smell out. that's just funny. keep it up little Wayne!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

disclaimer

I am writing this blog mostly for my self, I know its hard to believe but working in the skilled trades doesn't offer much of a creative outlet. any of my friends or family reading this blog be forewarned that you may not like what you read on here, and if you don't,well sorry but to bad. Its not my intention to upset any one or make any one feel ashamed of me and my opinions but It has already become an issue and I have only been doing this for less than 24 hours. like i said this is for me I have to assume that some one may read it, but I can assure you that I am enjoying writing this more than any of you will enjoy reading it. but oh well!
I love to write but I hate having people judge some of my less popular opinions. I used to write in a journal and hide it in my mattress like it was a dirty magazine. I was so terrified of someone criticizing me that half the time I couldn't even read it my self. I would end up burning them out of fear of being found out. it was horrible,Now I know how pedophiles and crooked politicians feel. I know that i could of just started a blog and used a fake name but no. that's what cowards do. hiding behind an alias like a puppeteer hides behind the curtain. not this cat,not now, I am going to face my fears head on and in public. like they say once its on the net it will live for ever so there will be no burning this.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Facebook guy!

this is my first blog so I am just going to rant a little about stuff that makes me mad. hopefully any one who reads this can relate to this stuff and if you do let me know.
first things first, I HATE cats, and guess what I hate people who like cats just as much. I have a sixth sense about cat people, I can tell if someone is a cat person or if they just like cats with in minutes of meeting a person.
now that I got that off my chest lets move on to facebook stalker guy or girl. but mostly facebook guy. you know who you are. this is the pathetic D-bag who's girlfriend dumped him and now he is out on Facebook prowling for chicks that he went to high school with. guess what facebook guy these girls didn't want you in high school and they don't want a slightly fatter, slightly older model either. when ever I come across one I cant help but look at their profile. It is always the same story. just picture after picture of himself lifting weights shirtless. or just getting out of the pool. multiple pics that are like 10 years old so you cant see how fat he got. oh yes. facebook guy has given me many hours of laughter. I have like 10 of them on my friends list right now. when ever i am feeling down I just take a short trip through pathetic profiles. the only thing that may be worse than facebook guy is the person who is on facebook trying to cheat on their spouse or significant other. you have seen the type. under relationship status it says "its complicated." what? hey Steve I saw your status said complicated. you've been married for five years how is that complicated? I guess what you really meant to say was I am in a relation ship but I still like to fool around. cause that makes more seance. let me just go out on a limb here and say if your relationship status says "its complicated" then you are a LOSER. And I know someone will try to defend themselves and say well my wife and I have an understanding. really, its complicated because your spouse lets you fool around on them? that's sick first of all. normal people do not do that. I have an understanding with my girlfriend, #1 we only have sex with each other and #2 if I look at her relationship status and it says complicated, then I will un complicate things by saying see ya! and vice versa! that's what normal people do. so facebook guy lets towel off the baby oil and put a shirt on, maybe take down the pics from when you were 20 and stop hitting on women via facebook. Now I have something to say to facebook guy #2 the adultery FB guy. Just stop, its groose every one knows what your doing, you arn't fooling any one but your self, and if your relationship is complicated now just wait till your wife finds your FB page. LOL!